I wish it could have been different!

A year can change a lot of things in a person's life.
People who are important for you can die, your best friend can move to another city, you can find out that your profession is not what you've always dreamt about for a living or realize that you've been in love with the wrong guy.
A year has passed in my life since the last time things were "perfect" (in a sense) and now I am a way more confused than I was before.
I know that my definition of "perfection" is different from the common sense (and I'm so thankful for that) and also that happiness for me is something completely strange for the ones who do not know me at all.
And although I cannot make them understand me, I still refuse to let go what I think is important for me, not what they do so.
It gives me the chills and also some headache but this is the way I deal with things.
What I'm asking for is just a little respect. I'm completely aware of my necessity of taking some time to solve my own conflicts.
I'm not lying to anybody when I say it is over and that I overcame what happened between us.
Although I still have that lovely brightness in the eyes when you're around, it is just because of the memories of our amazing past.
There are different ways of feeling LOVE, and the one I feel now is not that one between man and woman.
I've been under some pressure to get away from you; however this is not what my heart tells me to do. And although I don't have a heart anymore (I've got a liver), what remained from that piece of me can still influence on my decisions and whenever I'm in doubt, it is him the one to give some light.
It really pisses me off when people don't get the real meaning of my words, of the way I've been acting.
I'm just trying not to hurt myself even more than I already am hurt.
I don't have another way of protecting myself from things around me.
My liver (my heart) is bleeding! And I just wanted it to stop!
I remember saying once:
- Life sucks, love is a nightmare and I cannot wake up from this terrible dream.
By this time that's the only truth I'm able to believe.
I wish it could have been different and this year that passed could had given me more than only wonderful memories of the good moments.
This sadness in my face is just the reflection of what I feel inside.
I'm sorry I can't cope with that. It is nobody's fault than mine, than the person I am inside, than my refusal, than my beliefs. The ones I keep to myself.
I'm gonna be alright someday, I just cannot be perfect now, so don't expect me to behave well.
My jealousy is nothing but a way to get some attention.
And my hate, a way to convince myself I'm okay.